The MTA is threatening to make school children pay to use the New York City subway system. (The current policy allows three free rides a school day). I talked to Levi about this (see a post below for information on who Levi is) and he seemed thoroughly outraged, even though he has a rather spotty high school attendance record. My friend Schuyler (see a different post below for information on whether or not Schuyler hates lesbians) told me that he always watches the unionized subway workers and has never, ever, even once seen them do any work. I don't know about all that, but I do find it annoying that they're making this of all possible cuts. It seems designed to spark outrage. But more importantly, I find it to be a mildly convenient segway to the topic of this post...
First let me begin by complimenting myself (a rare indulgence for this modest blogger): I've ridden almost every New York City subway line, and certainly more than most of the people who parade about the streets pretending to be New Yorkers. As such, and also because I've meticulously read through some of the amazingly detailed wikipedia articles on the subject, I know a great deal about the subway system. But how much do you know? (see various posts below for information on the general esteem in which I hold my readers intelligence). Please take the following quiz if you wish to find out. Don't forget to tally your score.
Question One: If you're at 59th St. and want to visit the Museum of Natural History, but aren't yet familiar with the concept of an express train, it would be a bad idea to accidentally take one of these two trains:
a.) A & D
b.) B & C
c.) 2 & 3
d.) 4, 5, 6, & 7
e.) The Museum of Natural History is at an express stop. Every train stops there, except the L. Besides, I don't go there anyways because it's like going to a family reunion. That's because my family looks like prehistoric animals. (Here the pronouns I and my refer to the reader).
Question Two: During the off season, Santa Claus conducts this train. Also, parts of the train tracks have large amounts of water in them. Also this train doesn't enter Manhattan.
a.) the 6 train (because it stops near F.A.O. Schwartz)
b.) the C train (because Claus starts with a C and so does Santa if you only consider the top half of the S).
c.) the G train (I know 'cause I saw him on it and he winked at me and he was with another woman who wasn't Mrs. Claus and also God help us if whoever is in charge of the G train also is in charge of getting all of the worlds presents out on Christmas Eve. The G train never comes. If you live in Brooklyn or Queens, you can buy t-shirts that say 'Have you seen the G-train').
d.) Santa Claus doesn't exist. (I know because in kindergarten I sat on Santa's lap and then I pulled off Santa's beard and then I took a picture of me with Santa while I was pulling his beard and I brought it in for show and tell the next day and a lot of the kids started crying).
Question Three: This train is the guaranteed whitest of any in the city?
a.) 4 train
b.) 5 train
c.) Staten Island Railroad.
d.) The shuttle between Grand Central and Times Square.
Question Four: This is train is part of the only subway line that the blogger francpotatoll has never ridden on, not because it doesn't exist, but because he still hasn't received an invite to Fire Island from certain unnamed friends. (not that I want to go to Fire Island)
a.) the H train
b.) the X train
c.) the O train
d.) the K train
e.) the 10 train
Question Five: What is your favorite subway train, or alternatively, what subway train runs from the Northern most tip of Manhattan to the Southern most tip. You choose which question you wish to answer and thus there is no right or wrong answer.
a.) the 7 train
b.) the L train
c.) the E train
d.) the 1 train
e.) You've already used this joke before, in a different location, and it wasn't funny even then.
Answer Key:
1.) a
2.) c
3.) c
4.) a
5.) d (of course there always is only one right answer, anyone who thinks otherwise is a communist)
What your score means:
0/5: In order to answer everything wrong, you must have known all the right answers. Good job.
1/5: You really don't know a lot about the subway but that's okay, because you have other strengths? Maybe? You're probably good at making dal or something.
2/5: You didn't do very well, probably because you don't live in New York.
3/5: Because you have never liked me, you purposely misanswered some questions.
4/5: You didn't get the last question right because you're a communist.
5/5: You're a lucky guesser.
