In Print

When I was in Oregon, I went to my hometown (Roseburg) to see my little sister perform in Junior Miss. It reminded me of how offensive* entertainment can be where I'm from. I wrote a letter to The News Review (the local commie rag) about my take on the show and they're going to print it. I know this isn't the same as getting a letter in the Times, but I'm glad that my letter met their high standards**. For example, among other things, they will not accept "Letters containing long lists of names..." Naturally I was disappointed to have to edit out my three pages of shout outs to home boys as well as my extensive quotation of the Begats. But I still managed to keep the core of my message. So, here I present, with pride, excerpts from my (published) opinion on my little sister's beauty pageant.

"Awhile back I attended the Junior Miss Scholarship Program. I was proud of all the participants, especially my sister... Unfortunately, I found some of the commentary to be extremely inappropriate. Comments were made by the moderators that imposed a rigid standard of feminine beauty... The most offensive part of the evening was a 'Junior Mister' sketch, where five young men had their own competition. They went shopping for female clothing, did fake dance routines and answered comic versions of the questions that had been posed to participants. It seemed the purpose of this sketch was both to ridicule everything that the hard working young women had done up until that point in the competition and also to perpetuate the outdated notion that it is inappropriate for a young man to enjoy anything feminine (e.g. shopping, dancing) except in the context of a joke... I talked to several people afterward who also found the commentary offensive... Finally, thanks to the volunteers who made this show possible."

All in all, I was probably way too conciliatory. I don't want to upset my family's delicate balance in the town, especially since I don't live there and they do. I say this mostly to explain the last line, where I end up thanking the very people who were responsible for my offense.

*I suppose Roseburgites would find entertainment in New York offensive as well. When I was describing 'The Divine Sister' (an off-off-Broadway send up to Hollywood nun movies) to my mother I may have forgotten to mention all the hot lesbian nun action and the ten minute (literally) conversation about a very well endowed news reporter's penis.

**In reality, The News Review pretty much prints anything it gets. Almost weekly this will include a long, rambling rant by an old person who's disgruntled about this or the other modern contraption, etc. etc. In the past it has even included a harrowing description of a reader's attack by a sasquatch inside their mobile home.

Dinner Party Useful Tip

Recently, I've tried to make this blog be both more interactive as well as have more graphics. To further the second goal, I've decided to address an important question: How does leftover alcohol increase as a function of guests invited to a dinner party?
If one invites zero guests to their alcoholic dinner party (otherwise known as drinking alone with food) we can expect there to be a considerable amount of leftover alcohol. However, most of it will be lying next to broken vodka bottles on the floor (at least, that's been my experience). If one invites an infinite number of guests there will be an infinite amount of leftover alcohol, as it is generally expected that the average person will bring a greater amount of alcohol than they will consume. As only about 12% of dinner parties occur at one or the other of these two extremes, it is more useful to understand what happens at an intermediate number of guests. The answer critically depends on the type of guests. There are four pertinent categories: alcoholics, teetotalers, couples, and normal people. (Many of you will be surprised to learn that, as couples, you are indeed a deviation from normality). Of these four categories only normal people have a net effect on leftover alcohol. The others all bring approximately what they drink, with alcoholics bringing/drinking a lot, teetotalers bringing/drinking none, and couples bringing/drinking some. Because alcohol is not sold in quantities appropriate for just one person to consume, normal people must bring either more or less than they will eventually drink, but never the right amount. It should be noted that not all normal people will bring alcohol. It is generally recognized that only 2 out of 3 normal guests will bring alcohol unprompted. If the host specifically requests alcohol, this number jumps to 9 out of 10. Finally, if we approximate that a typical guest brings along enough alcohol for 2.15 people (if they bring any at all) then we can plot the following curve.

Final Notes: I hope this has been useful. When using the above information to try and build up alcohol stores for the inevitable collapse of society you should probably take into consideration that most of it was just made up. Also, alcohol is really the only intoxicant/drug that it's useful to accumulate in this way. I've found that if a guest does bring something stronger (e.g. cocaine) it usually gets used up before the party's over. :)

Winter

I wonder if the Eskimos, who have so many words for snow, have a word for the dirty, slushy, icy mess that the plows are now pushing into big piles on the sidewalks.

So it's snowing again today. When I was walking to school, the snowflakes were the size of snowballs. They were big and wet and by the time I'd walked the 7 blocks from my apartment to my office my black wool coat was solid white.

New York makes a fellow feel differently about a lot of things. Snow is kind of a nuisance here, but when I was a kid in Oregon, I loved it so much.

An Oregon winter is nothing if not wet, but it was a rare occurrence for the temperature to be below freezing at the same time there was precipitation. My siblings and I would wait by the window late into the night, hoping the rain would become snow. It sometimes did but it rarely stuck. And if it did stick it was twice as useless as what we could get by driving an hour into the mountains.

I wore the wrong shoes today and my feet got drenched.

To get to the point, I'm sick of Winter. On the bright side, I only have two weeks left. In mid March I head to Portland and then to beautiful San Francisco. I'll be gone 1.5 weeks. And when I come back, Winter will be over. At least, that's how I've planned it.

And by the way, if we can trust wikipedia (and what type of world would it be if we can't), then the Eskimos do have a word for the white dogshit that's currently littering the New York City sidewalks.

Fate

I knew I was going to be traveling a lot last week so I purchased an unlimited ride metro card. Here's what I did:

Tuesday: I went to NYU (for microtomy) and then to New Alternatives (for that I could bake some chocolate chip cookies for GLBT youth).

Wednesday: I went to see The Picture of Dorian Gray.

Thursday: I took my little friend Levi to see The Sleeping Beauty.

Friday: I went to see the movie The End of Poverty.

Saturday: I went to a friend's Basque themed party. There was a rather violent documentary about the Basque National Liberation Movement on in the background. I left early because I very suddenly became ill.

Sunday: My flu like symptoms kept me from volunteering on Sunday evening, but didn't keep me from going to see Present Laughter as well as making my seasonal stop at the vegetarian butchers on Sunday afternoon.

Monday (today): Sadly it also didn't keep me from working twelve hours today in pursuit of elusive rheological results that I desperately need before I present at APS in March. (Don't worry, I worked in virtual isolation, so there was no one for me to infect. The life of a rheologist is nothing if not lonely).

I used my last swipe to return from City College (the home of the rheometer) at 8pm tonight. I took fourteen rides total which means buying the unlimited card saved me a dollar. But since I usually just walk home from city college, I sort of lost a dollar. On the ride home, I thought about this. It would be really great, I thought, if I run into a friend as I'm leaving the subway station and they're heading out into the world for the night. Then at least some one could get a few more rides out of my card (unlimiteds expire at 3am). I knew the odds were slim though...
The train stopped at 110th street and when I walked through the turnstile, a person at the other end asked if I could spare a swipe. Stalling for time I asked him to repeat.
"It's okay, if you don't have one," he said, already turning to ask the next passengers. I nervously looked over my shoulder. Fortunately, no MTA employees were looking. I pulled the card out of my 'wallet', explained to him that it expired at the end of the night and quickly left the station. At first I was a little disoriented because I came out on the West side of Broadway (because I was on a downtown train). After that excitement passed, I thought about my card. At first I thought, what if that guy really needed my card to go help his sister who was in trouble at South Ferry (presumably stuck between the Staten Island Ferry and the docks, unable to yell loud enough to be heard, and with all the buttons smashed on her cell phone excepting the one for her brother's speed dial). Then I thought, what if that guy really needed my card because he's a hitman and he needed to go kill a little girl because she was too good at cheerleading and another girl's mother was jealous. (That really happened before, by the way, and HBO made a movie about it). I definitely felt responsible for whatever that guy was going to go do, and I hadn't even asked him. Finally, as I was turning the key to enter the front door of my building, I thought that I wished I had been raised in a Godless household like so many of my friends. Then I wouldn't worry about his actions. Oh, and also, it took me several tries before I could get the key to work.

Shame

I'm currently wallowing in shame. What can I say, I was raised Catholic. Earlier today I was alerted (by an attentive reader) to the fact that I made a mathematical error in my post of Sunday, Jan. 10 (the one about all the shows and movies I saw last year). And this from the son of a math teacher. For those of you who've come to rely on this blog for regularly updated information on the world around you (meaning a little politics, occasional rheology, and lots and lots of facts about weird people from a city you've probably never even heard of[yes, there is more to come]), I'm so sorry I let you down.
So what was the mistake. I forgot to take into account any shows that my friend Schuyler and I saw together. This completely ruined the validity of my calculations. To correct this:

I didn't see any shows with Schuyler in 2007. In 2008, I also didn't see any, and in 2009 I saw 8 shows with Schuyler. I've plotted and fitted this data below.











If we then subtract this fit from both Schuyler and my previous fits, we will have only the shows that Schuyler and I saw independently. We should be able to get the correct and apparently only crossover point, which I now have calculated to be 2011. (see below).













P.S. No reader actually alerted me, because nobody leaves comments on my blog. For shame! Except TChhab and my brother, thanks people. And also, I apologize to all the people who have blogs that I never leave comments on.

P.P.S. Actually, when I would take my math homework to my dad for help, he would sit down with me at the dinner table, take the homework, sit angled ever so slightly away from me and just do it all for me. So I really shouldn't feel shame that I'm miserable at math but rather should just blame my parents, which I believe is also an area where Catholics excel.

Subway Quiz

The MTA is threatening to make school children pay to use the New York City subway system. (The current policy allows three free rides a school day). I talked to Levi about this (see a post below for information on who Levi is) and he seemed thoroughly outraged, even though he has a rather spotty high school attendance record. My friend Schuyler (see a different post below for information on whether or not Schuyler hates lesbians) told me that he always watches the unionized subway workers and has never, ever, even once seen them do any work. I don't know about all that, but I do find it annoying that they're making this of all possible cuts. It seems designed to spark outrage. But more importantly, I find it to be a mildly convenient segway to the topic of this post...

First let me begin by complimenting myself (a rare indulgence for this modest blogger): I've ridden almost every New York City subway line, and certainly more than most of the people who parade about the streets pretending to be New Yorkers. As such, and also because I've meticulously read through some of the amazingly detailed wikipedia articles on the subject, I know a great deal about the subway system. But how much do you know? (see various posts below for information on the general esteem in which I hold my readers intelligence). Please take the following quiz if you wish to find out. Don't forget to tally your score.

Question One: If you're at 59th St. and want to visit the Museum of Natural History, but aren't yet familiar with the concept of an express train, it would be a bad idea to accidentally take one of these two trains:

a.) A & D

b.) B & C

c.) 2 & 3

d.) 4, 5, 6, & 7

e.) The Museum of Natural History is at an express stop. Every train stops there, except the L. Besides, I don't go there anyways because it's like going to a family reunion. That's because my family looks like prehistoric animals. (Here the pronouns I and my refer to the reader).

Question Two: During the off season, Santa Claus conducts this train. Also, parts of the train tracks have large amounts of water in them. Also this train doesn't enter Manhattan.

a.) the 6 train (because it stops near F.A.O. Schwartz)

b.) the C train (because Claus starts with a C and so does Santa if you only consider the top half of the S).

c.) the G train (I know 'cause I saw him on it and he winked at me and he was with another woman who wasn't Mrs. Claus and also God help us if whoever is in charge of the G train also is in charge of getting all of the worlds presents out on Christmas Eve. The G train never comes. If you live in Brooklyn or Queens, you can buy t-shirts that say 'Have you seen the G-train').

d.) Santa Claus doesn't exist. (I know because in kindergarten I sat on Santa's lap and then I pulled off Santa's beard and then I took a picture of me with Santa while I was pulling his beard and I brought it in for show and tell the next day and a lot of the kids started crying).

Question Three: This train is the guaranteed whitest of any in the city?

a.) 4 train

b.) 5 train

c.) Staten Island Railroad.

d.) The shuttle between Grand Central and Times Square.

Question Four: This is train is part of the only subway line that the blogger francpotatoll has never ridden on, not because it doesn't exist, but because he still hasn't received an invite to Fire Island from certain unnamed friends. (not that I want to go to Fire Island)

a.) the H train

b.) the X train

c.) the O train

d.) the K train

e.) the 10 train

Question Five: What is your favorite subway train, or alternatively, what subway train runs from the Northern most tip of Manhattan to the Southern most tip. You choose which question you wish to answer and thus there is no right or wrong answer.

a.) the 7 train

b.) the L train

c.) the E train

d.) the 1 train

e.) You've already used this joke before, in a different location, and it wasn't funny even then.

Answer Key:
1.) a
2.) c
3.) c
4.) a
5.) d (of course there always is only one right answer, anyone who thinks otherwise is a communist)

What your score means:
0/5: In order to answer everything wrong, you must have known all the right answers. Good job.

1/5: You really don't know a lot about the subway but that's okay, because you have other strengths? Maybe? You're probably good at making dal or something.

2/5: You didn't do very well, probably because you don't live in New York.

3/5: Because you have never liked me, you purposely misanswered some questions.

4/5: You didn't get the last question right because you're a communist.

5/5: You're a lucky guesser.

2009: Shows and Movies

My friend Schuyler (who a lot of people hate because he told me the truth about lesbians), saw 105 shows last year. This was down from 127 the previous year. After he told me, I was inspired to learn the number of shows I saw in 2009. It turns out it was 27. This is up from 15 in 2008 and only 4 in 2007. I've taken the liberty of fitting Schuyler and my data in the accompanying graph, to determine when I will surpass him in number of shows seen. From my calculations, it looks like I will temporarily pass him in 2011 only to permanately take the lead in 2014.

So what did I see? Below is the color coded list. I've placed the shows in order from best to worst as well as generally categorized them as boring(brown), incomprehensible (grey), mildly entertaining (green), very good (blue) and euphoria inducing (purple). Beneath the theater list, as an added bonus, is the corresponding movie list for 2009. These are only the movies I saw in theaters, but that's mostly where I watch movies anyways.

Needless to say, if you see a show or movie that I went to see with you and wonder why I put it so far down on the list, it was probably because your poor company ruined the experience for me. :)




Theater:
1.) Next Fall (which is coming to Broadway this Spring)
2.) Circle Mirror Transformation
3.) Billy Elliot
4.) Hurricane
5.) Next to Normal
6.) Hair
7.) West Side Story
8.) Wicked
9.) The Norman Conquests: Living Together
10.) The Norman Conquests: Table Manners
11.) Why Torture is Wrong and the People Who Love Them
12.) Ragtime
13.) Penny Pennyworth
14.) The Late Christopher Bean
15.) Coraline
16.) Chicago
17.) The Lion King
18.) Loaded
19.) Idiot Savant
20.) Newsical the Musical
21.) Fantasy Football: The Musical
22.) Blithe Spirit
23.) Exit the King
24.) After Miss Julie
25.) This
26.) The Retributionists
27.) The Philanthropist

Movies:
1.) Slumdog Millionaire
2.) Where the Wild Things Are
3.) In the Loop
4.) Dare
5.) Inglourious Basterds
6.) District 9
7.) The Red Shoes
8.) Treeless Mountain
9.) Still Walking
10.) Gomorrah
11.) Waltz With Bashir
12.) Avatar
13.) Star Trek
14.) The Class
15.) Milk
16.) The Headless Woman