State College has two homeless people and I've made a commitment to get to know them both. New York City has thirty thousand homeless people and I've made a commitment to get to know none of them. The homeless in New York are unapproachable. Immersed in New York's business culture, they are professionals. And in New York's cutthroat environment, they have to be fast (hence unknowable). For example: they can spend no more than three minutes in a subway car. They get in and tell a tragic story involving hungry children or veterans with missing limbs or a partially decapitated yet still cherished family pet in need of expensive medication. They quickly collect money. They get out. More personable homeless can't make it in New York. They are either weeded out of the homeless lifestyle altogether or move to San Francisco to live the easy life. There the homeless are paid a monthly stipend by the city and have taken complete control of the public bus system. Frisco's homeless while away the day. But in the Big Apple successful homeless never stop and talk.
New York does have underground mole people and I will make friends with them when I get back. I will ask a short person (Manasi) to point me in the direction of various tunnels she may have noticed. Because of their close proximity to the ground short people are good at spotting secret tunnels. Surely such a tunnel leads straight to the mole people lair. I will follow it and establish my place among their freakish clan. I will eat roasted rat cooked using the subways electric rail and then wrapped in a muddy dough flattened using the subways electric rail and supplemented with nutritious iron shavings scraped from the subway's electric rail. We will immortalize the underground in songs and regale each other with tales of the hated city above. But I digress...
Back to State College...
How do I know there are only two homeless? The number two comes from my conservative lab mate. It seems small, but I trust him in this matter because conservatives keep good tabs on the homeless. This is because if something bad happens to a conservative and they are not near a gun to shoot they can find a homeless person, tell him to "get a job" and feel better.
One of the two is African American and wears a poncho far too big for him. He carries an umbrella at all times of the year and advises passers by to "praise Jesus". He does this while engaging in a weird but endearing half dance, half fall. His hair is short and he is often at the same trash can, apparently searching for something. I need only ask him what he seeks to facilitate a meeting. Being a minority in a town of mostly whites, he may not trust me. So to convince him that I'm not racist I will tell him that I voted for Barack Obama (giving me lifelong immunity from the label of racism). We will become fast friends.
The other has a duffel bag, a backpack and a pillow that he ties to himself as he walks around. Even as the days grow longer his wrinkled, bearded face stays a pale color. He spends his time moving from one bench to the next in short spurts. He always sits to the side of the bench, leaving ample room for a stranger. This suggests he is not averse to a meeting.
According to my conservative lab mate there are also several "bag ladies". These are people he is hesitant to label as homeless, but who have too many bags about them to be considered normal. If I successfully introduce myself to the two actual homeless I will move on to these women.
Getting to know these homeless people will act as a sort of insurance. What I mean is, when I return to New York City, even if my research is a complete failure I can say "I met some homeless" and no one will shun me. Well, maybe they still will. But at least Richard will talk to me long enough to find out anything I learned about digging through trash cans.
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