Rheometry

I got brand new 8mm plates last Monday! They're so shiny and smooth and beautiful! And the boxes are so black and shiny and sleek!...

Oh man, I've become a rheometer nerd. I guess it wouldn't be that bad if rheometry were at all interesting. It's not... But since the readers of this blog have no idea what rheometry is, I will use it to make me seem cool(er)... Unfortunately, the inevitable lies I will have to tell may cause some trust issues with readership. But wouldn't that be as much the readers fault as mine. Yes!!! Yes it would. And I'm not just saying that because of my blog policy of blaming all blog problems on readers. I honestly believe that if someone somewhere is made to answer for my lies it should be you, the readers. Because you are the ones that prop me up on a pedestal that I in no way deserve. You, readers, disgust me!

So... rheometry, you ask, what is it? Excellent question. I am surprised you don't know, but... In fact, few people know what rheometry is, even though it is the cornerstone of modern scientific research. I guess the public ignorance is simply a testament to the historic modesty displayed by rheologists (like myself). We work day in and day out, putting in twenty three and 1/2 hour days, getting society at large out of every catastrophe since the great depression. We don't expect thanks. (Although, money would nice... you guys know my address). But I've been avoiding the question. What is rheometry?

To understand rheometry, one must first understand a rheometer. Imagine a tall blue man with a long swan-like neck. At the halfway point the neck bends at an abrupt angle and from it protrudes a cube shaped monitor (the face). Beneath the monitor (on the man's chin) are several buttons. These are very fun buttons (they come with a guarantee). And what does the neck connect to? Why, a fat belly of course. Inside the belly of the beast lies the important hardware. And atop the belly sits the mans lone arm. A black contraption on wheels that rolls over to grab and heat samples of interest. Oh, also, using the blue man analogy this man has no legs. So the rheometer only has one "limb". Just like Max Cleland. This is fitting because Max Cleland is an American hero and so is a rheometer, in a way. Finally, some rheometers are tan in color.

The above paragraph explains every aspect of rheometers. From the description one can clearly see how wonderful rheometers are! Some readers may be thinking: "but I still have questions." This may be because of low intelligence and should probably be checked out by a doctor.

Now, to explain rheometry. It's not complicated. Rheometry is what one does with a rheometer. So if one understands what a rheometer is (and it was pointed out above that if you've read this far and don't understand, you're unintelligent) then you clearly understand rheometry. For those few who still don't understand I will give one final hint... rheos is the Greek word for flow. (I should write a rheology textbook).